Happiness Series #1 Forgiveness

Happiness Series episode 1

Source: By stockimages, published on 18 June 2013 Stock Photo - image ID: 100177381

Forgiveness

Happiness is an out look that needs to be cultivated. It is a way of living. It requires challenge and rest, time with others and solitude, play and dedicated work, helping others and learning new skills. Whether it’s laugh out loud fun, or quiet contentment we all deserve more of it.

Happiness is not transient or destructive. It may be immediate like playing at a water park, or quiet and gentle like sitting in your own lovingly put together home. We will look at what truly makes people happy and how you can be happier. This is to be a series of Hubs to help increase ones happiness.

How is it that forgiveness is one of the first chapters in a series about happiness? The first thing is to get rid of some of the things holding you back. Anger and resentment often crowd out happiness and joy. Not to say anger is bad. Anger can be very useful and has its place. It can be very empowering. Anger needs to be experienced before it can be released.

Anger often comes from fear, frustration and feeling helpless. If you can trace your anger to it’s orgin you can often find out what is really bothering you and why. The problems arise when your quick to anger, it becomes your “go to” emotion, or you hang on to it for too long. “Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”― Malachy McCourt Resentment rarely has a place or need and is self punishing as the quote implies.

When we talk of forgiveness we are talking of how it will help the person doing the forgiveness. You do not need to give a care for the person you are forgiving. It certainly does not mean you will forget or trust them again if indeed you trusted them before.

The most important person you have to forgive is yourself. Try to learn and grow, change your behaviour if need be but forgive yourself. It seems women more then men will often feel guilty over things that are not even their fault. Children will often find a way to blame themselves if things go awry.

If the choice is to give responsibility to the perpetrator of an assault against you or to hold on to it yourself by all means give it away. Research shows that there are times when holding anger against others may be important for healing. These times would often include sexual abuse. In these cases hold it until it turns against you or as long as it helps you.

Tracing anger, fear, or even procrastination can be fun in an uncomfortable way. Write down what you are angry at (or fearful or procrastinating about). Then write down why that bothers you. Then write down what upsets you about that, until you follow it down to an ‘Ahaa’ moment when you see what you are really facing. This is the thing you must work through. This is what you want to argue or talk about with yourself or on paper.

It doesn’t matter how silly or irrational something seems sometimes our minds make strange connections without us consciously knowing about it. As Harv Eker has said “our minds are made to survive, not thrive but survive.” We want to thrive. We want to let go off any pent up negative emotions. They were here, they were useful, now it’s time to let them go. Hanging on to them is only us hurting ourselves and sometimes the people we care about.

Self forgiveness is even harder. We want to take responsibility for things because maybe then we can control them. Other times, let’s face it you messed up. You, me, all of us we mess up. When teaching my children to say sorry we also taught them to make amends if possible (and not harmful to anyone else), Then to not do it again.

Forgiveness recap:

1. When you feel a negative emotion feel it, and release it or feel it, use it, and release it. There is nothing wrong with being afraid, sad, frustrated or angry as long as you feel it, deal with it, and release it.

2. If you’re finding negative emotions are becoming your ‘go to’ emotions, or happening much to frequently try to find the corner stone or basis for that emotion. What is it that bothers you? Trace it backward and you may be surprised what the source of it is.

3. When you do make mistakes or mess up try to fix it or just sit with it but do not use it to beat yourself up. The most important person you need to forgive is yourself.

4. Forgiving others is not about them, it’s about you. Forgiving people is a good way to set yourself free.